thoughts / fics / ideas

CRAVITY 'Gas Pedal' Comeback; thoughts

Fri, 20 Aug 2021 16:28:44 GMT

where do i even start? i guess i'll start at the mv for gas pedal.

oh my god. oh my fucking god. so much better than the last title track i have to say it. yeah, my turn was ok and all, but nothing like gas pedal. already this comeback is so much better than the last one and i'm not even going to apologise for it. the sci-fi-like style is just so good for the mv and cravity looked so hot while doing it. i see what they mean by this having the hardest choreography but it doesn't stop woobin from busting out those godly vocals. m-minhee,,, he looked so good with his hair and his outfits and his dance and his vocals and his fucking everything. i can't believe he is real, kang minhee isn't a real human being i am convinced i made him up in a fever dream and everyone thinks i'm crazy and are just going along with the fact i think minhee is real... anyway,,, RAPPER TAEYOUNG!!!!!!!!!! oh my god they were not lying when talking about rapper taeyoung and i'm so fucking happy about it, he sounded so good. i hope we get more of rapper taeyoung in the future.

veni vidi vici... the person you have made me become... it's been one day... one day and i have it on loop. from the moment it came out on the concept it had me wrapped around it's finger but i held out for one day and let myself listen to the rest of the album, however, as i write this, vvv is on repeat. it's too good, and i am in love with it. the electric guitar in the song... and the dance break... where we see hamlem and abz pair dances... vvv, you have turned me into someone else i fucking swear. taeyoung's line, right before the chorus "modeungeol da biuseo geurigon malhae" is like i'm in heaven, more, more, more, it leaves me wanting so much more from vvv and it's why i have it on repeat. the way it started had me going "how is it going to end up like we hear in the concept film?" and oh my god, i should not have questioned it, because when it happened i literally spilled tears over how good the fucking song was. add that to the list of cravity songs i have cried to, because holy. cravity's second best song, right under realize.

chinga-linga... i don't know what i was expecting to hear from you, but it wasn't whatever that was. it seems taeyoung has fucking blown me away, because once again my favourite part from this song was taeyoung's bit right before the chorus, once again. taeyoung, please calm down, i can't do this,,,,, i have nothing else to say, taeyoung.

my last favourite from this album, and the last one i will talk about is grand prix. i don't have much to say except banger.

every single song on this album was so fucking good, i genuinely don't know how to express that with anymore words, i think i ran out talking about gas pedal and veni vidi vici. i waited seven months for this, and i'm so fucking happy i did, because this album exceeded all of my expectations and all songs had me so hooked. keep the bangers coming, cravity, thank you so much, i don't know how many more times i can say that. keep it up. i love you so much

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TXT; exactly what i look for in a group

Wed, 18 Aug 2021 17:41:58 GMT

txt is exactly what i look for in a group. musically and member wise.

their music has interested me ever since their debut, and even now their music is hitting me in different ways. with the recent release of loser=lover i’m still highly impressed by what they’ve managed to achieve in their two years being active. their title tracks since debut have been cute or had electric guitars in the song and that is exactly my style. their b-sides are only songs i’ve recently been inclined to listen to and holy shit my mind is just blown away from how good they are, i wish i had listened to them earlier. i almost lost some really good songs to the void. frost, fairy of shampoo, anti-romantic, we lost the summer… i can’t believe i never listened to their songs earlier. the guitars are very prominent in most of their songs and i think that’s what draws me to them. i love electric guitars so much in songs it’s not funny. (if veni vidi vici in cravity’s most recent album already becoming my favourite song is anything to go by.) there’s a lot of upbeat / cute songs in txt’s discography which makes me so happy. AND THE BALLADS. god, txt has such pretty ballads, i could have them on repeat everyday.

and so, i’ve recently been finding myself listening to txt a lot more. like tonight, which compelled me to write this.

i haven’t watched much of txt, if i’m being honest, only whatever had come up on my instagram explore page, but it’s been really fun nonetheless; watching txt roast themselves and each other, interacting with their fans and with each other is so funny to watch, their humour truly is something else.

the conclusion i want to draw is that txt has such a wide range in their discography, but it’s not bad at all. everyone should experience a txt song at least once in their life because they are just that amazing.

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All My Friends Are Falling In Love But Me

Wed, 14 Jul 2021 13:00:27 GMT

another story i wrote for english, please enjoy ^^

Romantic love is different for everyone, and for Allen, it’s even more different.

The way the rest of his friends talk about the beating of their hearts, the heating of their faces, the butterflies that twist and flutter around their stomachs when looking at someone they describe as their crush.

It’s different for Allen, his friends called it romantic love, and for the longest time, Allen believed he knew of the same things they spoke about, but as he grew older, he realised that maybe he didn’t know what they were talking about.

Allen wholly believes it is different for everyone, but with him, it’s too different. Maybe he’s late to the party, a late bloomer. But even as he goes through life and the most important parts of it, the world makes it seem like Allen is lacking.

Relating to his friends was hard when half of them only wanted to talk about their crushes, what had happened with them the previous day, their partners who totally loved them and didn’t turn around at the end of the day and bruise their self-esteem, the people who they loved.

Allen is weird. Allen is different. Allen is not like everyone else.

He doesn’t know at which point it became all about love. Maybe it was when he was a toddler, when parents would make jokes that he would grow up to be a man loved by all women. Maybe it was when he was first starting school at the ripe age of five when kids were already pretending to be in relationships. Or maybe it was when his friends actually started to get into serious relationships, when they were first exploring the wonders of high school.

He can feel stares when he tells his friends he doesn’t want to date. He can hear them begging that he’ll feel a resemblance of what romantic attraction feels like when he tells them that he’s sure he doesn’t feel that way. He can see the disgust on their face, knowing Allen is different to them and strange.

The world is so wrapped up in romance and Allen hates it, never wanting to have a life so devoted to another human being like they describe it in everything he sees. He’s content with having life as it is now, or maybe having a pet cat or dog, maybe even having a house with a friend before they get older and decide to move on with a partner.

There is so much more to life than romance, Allen thinks and it feels like the world is against him on that point.

He comforts his friends after break ups, after terrible relationships that left them tattered and broken to bits mentally and sometimes even physically, but still long for that sweet taste of comfort, love, warmness, everything that they know the last one didn’t give them, even if the next one won’t either.

And Allen doesn’t understand why they would want to go back to a life of misery with a different person. He has hardly seen relationships work out the way people want it to, the way it does in movies, the perfect scenario to most people. It all seems too pathetic.

Allen still continues to observe his friends, what they think about love. He tries to constantly ask in depth, how they’ve been affected by it. Why they love it, why they hate it. But he can never ever decipher why they always go back to love. It seems like an absolute waste of time and energy, Allen always having serious doubts every time another one of his friends gets into another relationship. More often than not, Allen’s friends end up in a toxic, unhealthy relationship that ends in one of his friends traumatised and the other person being despised.

In the end, Allen doesn’t understand romantic attraction and the need for romance, but he’ll still (unwillingly) listen to his friends talk about it. Talk about their budding romance with another student, one who’ll come hang out in his group, only to talk to the one they’re enraptured in. He’ll continue to be uncomfortable by the way they cling to each other like peas in a pod. He’ll hear the next talk about once again breaking up with someone who killed their will to live and think that they’re all the way back to the start.

Allen understands more that there’s nothing more he can do. Love isn’t for him; it never was. If he doesn’t feel the same as the rest of the world then that’s theirs to deal with. He’s fine with never having felt romantic attraction, slowly over time hating the way others dealt with it, but ultimately no one caring about your opinions when giving them. He’s tired, he’s unnatural, but he’ll deal with it.

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To X1; i miss you

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 16:31:43 GMT

i miss you, there's no doubt about that. it hurts every time i look at the pictures of you on my wall, or every time i look at your photo book. i seem like i'm ok, but the truth is: i'm not. i'm nowhere near being happy, and it's ok, it truely is, but it still hurts to look at you together as eleven. i hope you can forgive me, that i can never truely be ok with you leaving me so early. i had five years with you planned, but i only got five months with you. i'm a bit lost, to be honest. ever since that day, i haven't been feeling myself. like i'm an empty shell of what i used to be. nothing means anything to me anymore. now, that i'm in a fight my friend, i feel even more useless. you were my rocks. you made me so happy to be alive, you really did, but now you're gone. you've split off and nothing feels the same to me anymore. i'm empty, hollow. the only thing i can feel is sadness, regret. it's been seven months since you left me, seven months since i lost my happiness. but i'll try and work through it, i'll try and live my life for you. it's stupid. none of you are dead, but it certainly does feel like it. despite how empty i feel, how lonely i feel without you all together, i'm going to try and become happy again, just for the eleven of you.

to,

han seungwoo

cho seungyoun

kim wooseok

kim yohan

lee hangyul

cha junho

son dongpyo

kang minhee

lee eunsang

song hyeongjun

nam dohyon

i miss you, so much, it should be understandable. i don't know if i'll ever get over you, i truly don't, and i hope you can forgive me.

i love you, x1, then, now, and forever, i will always be your oneit

comments

The Box

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 16:17:19 GMT

hello and welcome to something i was supposed to hand in for english and never did! have fun! (based off of cravity's lore and whatever the fuck my teacher told me to add in here)

Allen walks briskly up to the box that sits on his school desk.

He doesn’t know when it got there or how it got there, but it's there now. It’s a tiny box, almost like a box you’d put a promise ring or a wedding ring in. There’s a velvet colour to it and Allen half expects someone to pop out of nowhere and propose to him, but it doesn’t happen.

He stands over his desk and stares at the box for a while, not reacting. He only registers his surroundings when his teacher tells him to sit down. He does just that, but he can’t focus on the lesson that is being taught to him.

The velvet box sits menacingly in the corner of Allen’s desk. It scares him in a way that shouldn’t, but a weird aura that Allen can’t describe surrounds the box and gives him an unnecessary amount of stress.

By the time the bell goes for lunch, Allen is still staring at the box and he now has a paper sitting on his desk.

What do you want to do in the future?

God, Allen hates that question. Freedom, he thinks off-handedly.

He stares back at the box, but he can’t think about anything else. It’s like that damn box is stopping Allen from thinking about anything else, so he grabs the box angrily, opening it roughly.

There’s a note in there, he takes out the note gently, careful enough to not rip it at least. He opens it.

Find them. It says.

It’s the only thing on the note and Allen stares for a long while.

Find who exactly? Who is them, and why does Allen need to find them?

He gets up quickly and harshly, shoving the chair back into the desk behind his as he does so.

He packs his things up quickly, shoving the small box into his pocket, before rushing out of the classroom.

When he’s finally out, his best friends are there waiting for him.

There’s Serim, with recently dyed blue hair, Allen thinks he looks more handsome since he dyed it, and everyone else seems to think the same as well. Serim’s also the oldest out of the four friends. He’s like the leader of them, makes sure they’re all well fed, well hydrated and that they’ve done all of their schoolwork for the day.

Serim’s like an angel from above, if Allen had to describe him in three words.

Then there’s Jungmo. Compared to Allen, Jungmo’s a tower. There’s at least a third of a head between him and Jungmo and Allen finds himself staring up towards the tower of a man. His hair used to be an array of purples, but now it’s dyed a simple light brown, and if it wasn’t for his height, he’d blend in with the crowd.

The last of the four is Wonjin, who’s also the youngest of the four. Like Jungmo, his hair is also a simple light brown. He’s a lot shorter than Jungmo, but his defined features set him apart from the rest of the crowd. What Allen likes most about Wonjin is his bubbly personality, he never fails to cheer Allen up and it’s what he needs, especially being stuck in a hell hole like this school.

Allen’s only known the three of them for a year, but an interesting story he heard was of a dog leading an unsuspecting Serim to Jungmo, who ultimately led them to an unsuspecting Wonjin, who was painting a picture of the three of them.

What’s funny is that Wonjin had never seen these people before.

It has always confused Allen, but those three are attached to the hip now, so it must’ve been for the best that they met that day.

Allen was a transferee from America and immediately got attached to the three of them. They were amazing, lovely people and did everything in their power to make Allen feel as comfortable as he did with his new life in Korea.

He can suddenly see a random boy standing in front of Wonjin (like he teleported there), holding onto his hand, inspecting the purple crystal that’s wrapped around Wonjin’s wrist with a simple black band.

It’s all too confusing to Allen, he doesn’t know where this boy came from and suddenly he’s too close to Wonjin.

“Taeyoung-ah.” He hears from behind him and Allen turns around to inspect where the voice came from.

There’s another boy who stands there, not much taller than Allen himself, his face shows shock, eyes wide open, mouth hanging open slightly. His hair is a bright red that looks like it was dyed yesterday.

He looks back to who Allen can only assume is Taeyoung. He’s a lot taller than Allen himself, but not taller than Jungmo. His skin is tanner than anyone else Allen has seen at this school. His face shows youth, and he looks a lot younger than a high school student.

His hair is a dark brown, but strips of his hair have been dyed in a rainbow that goes horizontally.

There’s a splash of running water at his feet and then there’s commotion around him. He looks back up and Taeyoung’s nose is bleeding. Drops of bright red blood falling down his face slowly.

His pocket starts burning, the same pocket that he had the box inside. It burns so much that Allen needs to take it out.

He pulls it out, opens the box and then the note. There’s now names engraved below the find them.

Serim, Allen, Jungmo, then there’s a blank space, maybe for more names, Wonjin, another blank space, Hyeongjun, Taeyoung, and then nothing afterwards, but Allen assumes there’s one more name meant to go after Taeyoung’s, because of the comma.

He still doesn’t understand what he’s meant to do, or who he’s meant to find, but he’s already found six of the people he’s meant to find within the span of a few minutes.

The paper burns in his hand once again and Woobin shows up on the paper, after Jungmo and before Wonjin. He looks up and immediately sees someone walking up the stairs. Allen feels a pull from the boy who walks up the stairs and he runs towards him.

“Allen!?” He ignores the call of his name in favour of running up the stairs, grabbing onto the stranger’s arm.

“Hello?” The stranger questions, obviously confused at who this random person grabbing his arm is.

“Seo Woobin?” Allen asks, and the name falls perfectly out of his mouth, as if he’s known Woobin for years.

“Uh, yeah? Do I know you?”

“No? I think?” Allen’s confused even himself at this point. “Your name is on this piece of paper, I think it’s important.”

“Oh.”

There’s an awkward silence between the two, and Allen’s eyes can’t stay glued to a single spot on Woobin’s face. His soft but stern face is blank, showing not much emotion. There’s not much else that defines Woobin as Woobin, but his cheeks puff out like he has clouds stuffed there.

“Yeah, uh, sorry for bothering you.”

“No, it’s ok, I’m just about to meet Seongmin then Minhee, would you like to come?”

“Uh, sure?” Something about meeting this Seongmin and then this Minhee is important to whatever Allen is trying to accomplish with the little note he’s still hanging onto. Maybe Woobin feels this is important too.

They slowly make their way up the stairs and the awkward silence between the two is back. It’s understandable, they are complete strangers after all, right?

“Allen!” His name is called out once again and he stops, turning around to find his best friends and Hyeongjun and Taeyoung there as well.

He stops and waits for the six of them to catch up to him and Woobin.

“Where are you going? Who is this?” Serim asks questioningly, but Allen shrugs his shoulders.

“This is Woobin,” he says, “You need to come with us as well, all six of you.”

“We have class though?” Taeyoung speaks up hesitantly, as if scared to speak up to Allen.

“I think this is more important, Youngtae.” The nickname slips out before Allen can register it himself.

“How did you know that? Only Hyeongjun calls me that.”

“I…” Allen doesn’t know, “I think we all know each other, somehow.”

“I’ve never seen any of you in my life,” Woobin says, “Why do you say that?”

“This paper,” Allen sticks his hand out that holds the find them note with all their names engraved onto the paper. “This paper has our names on it, I think I’m only missing two.”

“It might be Seongmin and Minhee, let’s go.”

The group of seven climb the stairs and eventually reach the roof.

It’s a clear day, not a cloud in the sky and the sun is shining brightly over the roof. There’s a boy that stands away from the entrance of the roof, he’s leaning on the railing the encloses the roof, so no stupid kid can fall off.

The boy’s hair is black, but it sparkles in the sunlight causing Allen to wince.

“Seongmin!” Woobin calls out and Allen’s hand burns once again.

Seongmin. is now engraved after Taeyoung’s name with a full stop after it, showing Allen that there’s only one more person for Allen to find.

The air on the roof is clean, fresh, and Allen can almost taste that sweet taste of freedom that he so desperately wishes to have.

“Ah, Woobin,” Seongmin speaks, and his voice is very high pitched, if Allen could place how high his voice is on a keyboard, he’d shove it to at least a C5, maybe even a D5 (which is pretty high, especially for a teenage boy, he honestly still sounds like a child). “Who are these people?”

“I don’t know, but they’re really important right now Seongmin, we have to go find Minhee now, do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s at the lake in the middle of the forest, our parents are laying into him a lot lately, and his grades are going down because of it.”

“Oh, then we better get to him quickly.”

Allen can sympathise with Minhee. It’s hard living up to expectations, he’s heard stories from Serim, Jungmo and Wonjin about their parents expecting them to be better than the top students (even when it’s a bit too unattainable, and should be happy that they aren’t failing).

The amount of conversations the four of them have had on the thought of running away and being free is uncountable at this point.

The (now eight) of them start their trek to that lake that rests beautifully in the centre of a big forest that’s about a half-an-hour walk from their school.

Escaping school was a lot easier than they thought and soon enough they’re on their way to meet Minhee at the lake.

They all make quiet chit-chat on the way, and Allen finds out other facts about Woobin, Seongmin, Taeyoung and Hyeongjun, and that they all share the same sentiment of wanting to run away for a better life.

They eventually come towards the forest and enter it. The rustling of the leaves fill up the empty spaces and pauses in their sentences.

When they reach the lake they can see a boy sitting cross legged in front of the edge.

“Minhee!” Woobin calls out the attention of the boy who sits and he turns around, waving the other eight over. When Allen gets to Minhee the paper in his hand burns. He drags it up and he can see that Minhee is placed between Wonjin and Hyeonjun’s names.

“Hey.” Minhee says and he stands up.

The height of Minhee is impressive, very impressive, and he’s at least a head taller than Allen. (Why does everyone seem to be giants around Allen? This is a question he’ll never know the answer to.) His hair is black, similar to Seongmin’s, but it’s much longer, almost reaching his shoulders. Allen thinks it suits Minhee’s handsome face and if he didn’t know any better, he'd assume Minhee was a model from his astonishing looks.

“Took you all long enough.”

“Huh? What—” But before Allen can question him more, there’s a bright light that erupts from Wonjin’s bracelet and suddenly Allen can’t see, covering his eyes from the light, as if he’s scared he’s going to go blind.

When Allen can see again, the world looks exactly the same, but the paper in his hand burns, more intensely this time, and Allen flips the paper over to see more words engraved in the back.

You’re free now. It says.

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To X1; happy one year

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 16:07:39 GMT

i can't believe it's already been one year since you debuted with flash. x1 honestly feels like a fever dream, like i never truely had you in my grasps. we're still getting all of you talking about each other, seeing each other, covering each other's songs. it still doesn't make me feel like you guys weren't real. wooseok talking about x1 on his vlive is making me feel weak. you all hung out today too, excluding yohan, which does hurt, but i know he's there in spirit. today really hit me. today is such an important day for x1 and oneits and i wish to see you all together as eleven again. it may be a long shot, but i hope in the future, we can get a special single from all of you in the future. i was supposed to be spending today with all of you, as one, but i guess i'm never going to get it. your one year anniversary was supposed to be together with oneits, but now we're never going to get any x1 anniversaries with all of you together. when it's your five years anniversary, i will remember you, and i'll get somber, knowing that this is how long we were supposed to have you for. i know you're all doing well now, and that's honestly all i could ask for. i'll support you whether it's as x1, or wei, up10tion, victon, cravity, h&d, woollimz or solo, i'll always be your oneit

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Bojack Horseman; thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 15:44:28 GMT

i’m crying so much right now, it’s really hard to believe that i managed to binge six season of bojack horseman in a week. at first, when i first watched it, i thought it was just one of those stupid shows with dark humour with that one asexual character that i was there for. but it wasn’t. there was so much more to it. right from the start i was completely in love with the show.

the first season of the show focused on getting to know bojack and his biography, which was just a lie that bojack wanted to share with the world, show the world that bojack is the good guy in all of this. the “anti-hero” is a great way to describe him. bojack had done a lot of shitty things, there’s no denying that, but i can’t help but feel immense love for him, like i wanted to defend everything that he’d done. right from the start of his life, he’s had the shittiest life imaginable. his parents didn’t give a shit about him. calling him worthless, abusing him verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically. he had his first drink at a very young age. his parents left an alcoholic drink out, and bojack had it. i’d like to believe that the reason bojack is like this is because of his horrible past, with his parents being the douchiest people ever, but can you really blame his parents too? it’s a whole line of bad parenting. it’s a learnt thing, bojack has learnt all the shitty things and habits that he did because of his parents, who learnt it from their parents, who probably learnt it from their parents as well. there’s a lot of things wrong with bojack, there’s no doubt about that, he’s a drug addict and he’s always high, he’s a drunk and he’s always drinking, he had depression and anxiety, which ruin his whole life along with the childhood trauma. those same tendencies ruined sarah lynn. bojack had a show called “horsin’ around”, which was a horse that adopted three human children. sarah lynn was the youngest child. bojack had gotten sarah lynn addicted to drugs and alcohol. from a young age, sarah lynn was exposed to that type of shit. she grew up to be a stripper-like drug/alcohol addict. all because of bojack. they went on benders, then bojack and sarah lynn would have sex. people believed that he was taking advantage of her, but i don’t really believe that’s the entire truth. we never get the entire truth. at least, i think her storyline with bojack is still incomplete. sarah lynn then was sober, for nine months, she had been completely fine, then bojack came back into the picture and they went on a drinking bender, which ends up in sarah lynn dying. we find out that bojack had left sarah lynn to die for seventeen minutes before calling emergency services. for so long, bojack had left sarah lynn to die. i still don’t believe that bojack necessarily “took advantage” of sarah lynn, but there was definitely something weird that goes on between them. but for so long, sarah lynn had looked up to bojack, so i believe, that in the end, something like this was coming. i still don’t agree with what bojack did though. i think the worst thing that bojack had done, was take advantage of penny, the daughter to charlotte, and old girlfriend of bojack. bojack ups and leaves l.a and goes to new mexico to see charlotte and her family (he didn’t know this at first). penny had to go to prom, but didn’t have a date, so bojack went as a friendly date. penny went with two friends as well. bojack thought the prom was boring and took the three out drinking. one of them got alcohol poisoning and bojack left her and her date at the hospital (the girl is fine now). when bojack and penny got home, penny kisses bojack, bojack told penny to go to her room and that she didn’t know what she wanted. however, when penny came back, he went in for it. the only reason he stopped was because charlotte came in. penny is still traumatised over the events even years later. these aren’t the only shitty things he’s done, but to me, they were the most pivotal. i was so distraught over sarah lynn’s death, i cried a lot when i watched the episode.

i’m now going to move onto lighter things. my favourite character ever had to have been todd, hands down. he’s an asexual person. his coming out had hit me hard. as an asexual, it was so nice to see asexuality be represented like that, it was amazing. i felt so... known. todd’s coming out was so relatable it was insane and something i will never forget for as long as i live.

there was so much written into bojack horseman. it seems like one of those stupid shows, that has no plot, but by the end, i truely believe bojack was trying to get better. i’m not trying to excuse bojack for the shitty things that he’s done, but it’s hard not to love him, it really is. the start of season six started with bojack in therapy and continued like that for at least six episodes, with stories in between. he was then sober for a year, before he fucked up again after drinking after a letter he read from his half-sister (that’s a storyline i’d rather not go down at the moment.) everything he had worked up for was ruined. the second last episode had been an extension on a reoccurring dream. we find out that bojack tried to “swim”, which basically means he tried to kill himself by drowning himself. the next episode is a weird conclusion to all of this, but it was and ambiguous, open ended and up to the watchers’ interpretation. what ever that may have been.

i’m only touching the subject of the beautiful world that was ‘bojack horseman’ i’m absolutely distraught that it’s over and i feel a bit empty now. bojack horseman explored so many themes and issues, from rape, depression, the drug and alcohol abuse in the world and still managed to create a funny and comforting environment. despite how dark the show was, it gave me a weird sense of comfort. from bojack, to diane, to even mr. peanutbutter, they all had a part to play in what made this show the greatest thing ever. if you ever get the chance to watch bojack horseman you need to take it. it was a journey of heartbreak, pain and laughs. it sucks that it’s over, but all good things must come to an end right? it was so easy to become connected to each and every character. even princess carolyn, who i didn’t share one quality with her. all characters played a big part in creating bojack horseman, in showing the true world of bojack horseman. the creators did an amazing job creating this and i highly commend them on making a show such as this. i didn’t know what i was getting into when i started this show, except that it had an asexual character and it was “funny”, but i’m so fucking glad i took the chance to watch such an amazing show. i’ve learnt a lot from this show, i really have and now i feel like i’m going out into the world with more knowledge and understanding on what goes on in our societies. it seems really stupid, but it’s true. it’s truely been such an amazing time watching and growing with the characters of bojack horseman. in my mind, this show truely is, the greatest thing ever made.

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Oneiric Theater; thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 15:21:04 GMT

i really don’t know where to start with how much i loved and enjoyed oneiric theater. it was such an experience that i don’t even know how to put it into words. i’m so happy that i got to experience it, i really am. and i didn’t know that i could fall in love with izone any more, but this just proved me wrong. this is an experience that i’ll never forget, and i really will treasure the memories i have of it. i’d do anything to go back and experience something like that. i’m imagining what it would have been like live, and i’ll never get to experience izone live, but this’ll do. i’m happy. i’m really really happy and nothing can ruin my happiness right now. so many good things came from this, someday ot12, gangster yujin, yena and chaeyeon, catallena hyewon, wonyoung and chaewon, coming of age ceremony yuri, hitomi, nako and minju, monster eunbi and sakura, rococo dance and live performance, la vie en rose, violeta, fiesta, up, as we dream, with*one, spaceship, airplane and destiny with the live band made the songs so much better if that was even possible. the unit stages were definitely my favourites, but i just can’t deter from how much i loved up, as it’s my favourite b-side and i’m so happy i got to see them perform it live they even had a quiz time with us, so we could interact in the live. man, i love them so much. i could go on and on about how good the concert was. again, i’m so happy i bought tickets and watched it. it was amazing to see all twelve of them on stage like that, i love them so much and this just made me fall in love with them more.

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IZ*ONE 'Twelve' Japanese Comeback

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 15:13:57 GMT

i have to talk about the japanese versions of la vie en rose, violeta and fiesta... NOTHING hits like those songs. i don’t normally like songs that were once in korean then translated to japanese, and the other way around as well (i didn’t like when they did that for gokigen sayounara and neko ni naritai) BUT there’s just something about this songs that put my heart in overdrive, i love them so much. there’s just something that hits when eunbi says “fiesta kokoro atsuku moesakari” that gives me chills, or the way violeta goes “‘cause your my violeta / watashi ni / ‘cause your my violeta / subete o” in the chorus, or the way yena’s rap in la vie en rose just slaps me in the face and leaves me stunned. i’m just absolutely speechless at how much i love these versions. maybe it’s just izone, but i’m in love, there’s no other way to describe it.

the other songs on the album too!!!!!! in yummy summer especially 😭😭😭 the way sakura in the chorus says “sou! kimi to summer” that i just can’t get out of my head, and i’ve been saying it around the house all afternoon. and chaewon’s line!!!!! “doko ni ikou?” that HITS. sakura wasn’t lying when she said we’d love chaewon’s lines especially 😭 sakura also composed the song, so it’s a big plus!! saku-chan’s really come a long way 🥺🥺 waiting was also another of my favourites, i can’t really describe it, but the whole, “are you waiting up for me? / waiting for my love?” and “waiting up for me? / you wanna be waiting for my love” and “maybe, i’m loving you know / i’m into you know” and “i’m loving you know / i wanna be here kissing you now” and “who is waiting? / waiting for my love?” THAT MAKE ME FEEEEEL I AM FEELING A LOT WITH THOSE LINES. i hate that izone came for me with this album. dousurebaii? also had a jazz sound!!! i lOVE JAZZ!!1!!1!!!1!1!1!!1!1!1 i can’t really describe it other than love, i’m in love, there’s nothing i hate about this album, but what did i expect? it’s from izone 😌

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IZ*ONE 2 Years, BDC 1 Year, Golden Child 1000 Days

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 15:08:03 GMT

first of all, it’s izone’s two years today. i can’t express how happy that sentence makes me. it’s been two whole years since ‘la vie en rose’ and it’s hard to imagine that it has only been two years since we met izone. i’m not trying to be that person, but this means there’s only six months left. i’m not going to let that stop me though. i’m going to let this mean that i need to love them harder, and that’s exactly what i’ll do, i won’t let them leave when all i feel is regret. i’m sure i won’t though, i’ve spent a lot of time on izone (not that i regret it, i don’t at all), and they’ve made me happy, cheered me up when no one could and i really thank them for it. even though we had that blank, it didn’t make me love them any less, if anything, it made me love them more, made me realise just how important they were and are to me. i met some of the most loveliest ladies ever within izone and i thank them profusely. they get me so emotional just by looking at them, and i think that’s a good feat. there’s only a few groups i’ve cried for and izone is definitely one of them. i don’t know what i would have done if i lost izone earlier this year, but i know i wouldn’t be as happy as i am now. izone’s music has also been a way to escape, i mean, i’ve listened to 431 hours of them, i must be in love right but i still haven’t gotten tired of the songs, or izone even after this long. i know i’m going to get hurt in the long run, but is it worth it? i think so, no, i know so. all of this pain may seem stupid to an outsider, like, why did i even decide to stan a group i knew was going to disband, but it’s the journey i love. i’ve grown and loved with izone, they’ve taught me many things and they’ve been with me as i explore myself as well and i couldn’t be more thankful - that’s the true beauty of izone, not that “they’re going to disband”, every group does, it’s just that izone’s is happening a lot quicker than normal. if the chance ever arises, i would like for izone to be permanent, if they’re not, in the end, then that’s ok too, because i’m prepared for this. until the end, i will keep supporting izone, whether they’re as one, or as twelve different people with different groups, i’ll always be a wizone deep down, deep down, i was and always will be, izone’s wizone.

secondly, it’s bdc’s one year today. now, bdc has been there in my lowest moments ever. i couldn’t be more thankful for any other group than bdc. i first stanned them on the 5th of january this year, not knowing what was incoming for me the next day. the only reason i got out of what x1 put me in, was because of bdc. they saved my fucking life and there’s nothing i can do to repay that. i was at my lowest point ever, but bdc was there, they lifted me up, helped me, gave me a reason to live and i really can’t thank them enough. you can’t see me but i’m crying a lot right now. i keep thinking about how hurt i was, then bdc coming in and dragging me back up. i was happy around them, they made me forget about what i was depressed about in the first place and i really don’t know what would have happened if i didn’t have bdc, but i’m glad i did, i’m so fucking glad i did. bdc is now a constant in my life and another reminder of why i lived after that time of heartache. sihun, junghwan and seongjun are nothing but amazing, and one day i hope to express to them personally how much they mean to me, how they saved my life. i hope they last for many years after this.

lastly, it’s my 1000 days with golden child. i haven’t spoken about golcha much, but they were the second boy group i had ever stanned after hearing what “stanning” means. if any group has watched me grow, it’s goldcha. again, i have nothing but love in my heart for this group. i’ve annoyed my family with their songs, i’ve bopped out to their songs, laughed along with jangjun and another one of his stupidity funny jokes, i’ve cried over how prettily sungyoon, jaehyun, seungmin and joochan sing, i’ve been blown away by the way jangjun and youngyaek rap, the duality of the two of them being insane, i’ve been speechless at the way donghyun and daeyeol dance, like there’s no better dancers in the world, i’ve melted at the way jibeom and bomin look, with the way their faces were carved by an actual god, it’s not fair how good the two of them look, and i’ve constantly adored the way daeyeol leads them all but at the same time being the best friend that daeyeol is to the other nine. they’ve been nothing but wholesome and loveable. i know that i can always go into a golcha video and know that i’ll immediately be smiling, because they’re good like that, amazing like that. they’re just a group of ten whole comedians, they’re the funniest people i know and half of the jokes i get come from golden child (jangjun is the main perpetrator). i wouldn’t trust my life with golden child, but that’s what makes them fun, they don’t care for the rules and break them when they can, that’s just what makes golden child golden child. they stand out in my life, they poke out and i always see them, no matter what they’re doing and i watch just about all their content. i half believe that they do stand up comedy at night when they think no one’s watching, that’s how funny they are to me. golcha is a group that stands out from the rest of the boy groups and i’m so happy to be called a goldenness and be apart of their fandom. golcha has done nothing but be there for me when i need to cheer up and i thank them for it. it’s been a long 1000 days, but i’m glad that i’ve been able to get up to this point. they’re ten amazing men that never fail to be amazing, i can feel their happiness exude whenever i watch golcha videos or lives. i’m thankful that they’re here and i got to learn about the ten of them.

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To Kang Minhee; a very happy birthday (2020)

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 14:57:24 GMT

kang minhee: my definition of perfect.

i really believe that there’s nothing this boy can’t do. i mean, he’s kang minhee, he’s got it all, talent, brains, visuals, height, he’s literally the definition of perfect and if you can’t see that then you must be blind. if i’m totally being honest, he’s the reason i’m living. i think a lot about what i’d be doing if he wasn’t here for me anymore and the only thought that comes to me is dead. it’s morbid, i know, but it’s true, i literally feel like i can’t live without him. he’s gotten me through so many rough patches, so it’s hard to see my life without him. he makes me feel loved, and happy to be alive. even when life, and school becomes too much for me, i can think of minhee and i immediately have a smile on my face. i’ve watched him grow up, from that little baby i first saw him as a year and a half ago, to now, where he excels at everything he does and there’s nothing he can’t do. i look at him and i get all giddy inside. i look foreword to seeing his stunning face the next day, and when i wake up. i want to be close to him, i want to be someone he can count on when he’s sad and unhappy. i want to tell him everyday that i love and support him, and i always will, it’s never going to change. i hope minhee knows how loved he is today, he deserves to hear it, he really does. he’s improved so much and i’m so fucking proud of where he is today. you can’t look at minhee and not fall in love with the dude. you can’t see his talents and not fall in love with him. this is minhee’s world and we’re all living in it at this point. his place in cravity is an important one, the way he supports them unconditionally and the way cravity gives that back to him. minhee is one of the purest people i know. he’s a simple boy and he doesn’t ask for much in return, but he literally deserves the world. i feel like in cravity he’s so so loves and i couldn’t ask for more. i’m so happy they’ve all stuck around minhee and given him so much love throughout the years to show he really is the perfect person and he deserves to know it. he deserves to know how much love he deserves, from not only cravity, but luvity as well. i’m so happy to be spending this day celebrating minhee’s birthday. i remember last year i forgot about it and i felt so bad for it 😭 but this year, i am here and i’m prepared!! i hope the x1 members are congratulating him too on his special day, it only seems right, they’ve seen minhee grow as much as he has as well. i’m crying a lot right now, this whole message is bringing up all the reasons i love minhee, and it’s honestly too much to count. there’s so much to love about him and nothing to hate (except that he can barely update us 😡 bro,,, it isn’t that hard 😭) i think i can say that i’m one of minhee’s biggest supporters, because i’ve never stopped loving that boy since the first time i laid eyes on him. people may say my constant talking about him is “annoying” and deep down i believe it, i really do. but it’s hard for that to come up when my mind doesn’t stop going “minhee minhee minhee” without thinking much of anything else. he’s living rent free in my mind and there’s nothing else i want from him, he can stay there forever 🥰 i’m so thankful for whatever life choices, or choices i made in my past life that made me meet minhee in this time, in this life. he’s the only one for me. i’d call him my soulmate if i believed in that and actually had romantic feelings for him, but i dont :’) and it doesn’t matter. you can still love and support someone without feeling the need to actually fall in love with them to become a true fan or some shit like that. but i’m glad people actually think i’m really and truely in love with him, because it just shows that i really do do my best as a nadeuldan, that i talk about him and support him so much, that people really do believe i’m truely in love with him. i hope today, especially, that he has the perfect day - it’s his birthday after all. even me, i feel like i’m on cloud nine despite it not being my birthday, all because it’s minhee’s day. i never thought i’d be celebrating someone’s birthday as hard as i plan on celebrating minhee’s, but here we are. i don’t think anyone or anything is going to bring my mood down today, i truely believe it, because my love for minhee rivals nothing, it’s clear that minhee’s going to win. it’s minhee’s birthday today, and i’m so glad that his parents decided that they were going to have a child, because otherwise, i wouldn’t have gotten kang minhee. if there’s something i’ve learnt about kang minhee ever since i first got to know him, it’s that he’s my definition of perfect and the reason i get up everyday. i hope he truely has an amazing day today, he deserves more than anyone to have an amazing birthday. he deserves to rest and to have a relaxing day, he’s earned it. i hope cravity, his friends and family are able to celebrate minhee’s birthday with him to let him know how loved he is. i’d love to tell him in person, and i really do hope i get to tell him one day. i’ve said so much that i’m actually surprised that i still have things i want to talk about, but i think i’ll leave it here. thank you for listening to me rant about how much i love minhee 🥰

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LOVELYZ 'Obliviate' Comeback; thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 14:53:45 GMT

‘obliviate’ by lovelyz is so different from what they have in the past, but it is so good. lovelyz really took “horrorlyz” to a new level. when we first got the announcement that they were finally having a comeback with something different to what they were used to doing i didn’t really understand the significance of that statement. the first teaser came out and i thought “wow, this is really happening, after so long we’re finally getting a lovelyz comeback.” i was highly disappointed in woollim not giving us a full album, but after listening to the album, i couldn’t be more happier with what i received. i would have much preferred the full album, but we got a lovelyz comeback and that’s all that matters to me.

let me start with the second track and title track, ‘obliviate’. the mv still has the same lovelyz i know, just with the horror concept. they’re still the beautiful, elegant women who still manage to knock my socks off with their vocals. sujeong really slayed this era, he red hair made everything come together. jiae dyed her hair blonde, and yein cut her hair to join the woollimz short haired gang with chaewon and eunbi. soojung’s purple hair was also a massive punch to my gut. overall their styling for this comeback was so so pretty and matched the concept and their style as lovelyz. jiyeon and myungeun’s vocals still stand out so much and are just as pretty as i remembered. despite it being their first time doing something like this, it was perfect, they were perfect, everything came together so nicely. the whole fantasy concept they had was so dreamy and perfect. i keep talking about how perfect the concept is, but i really can’t stop talking about it. i’m really and truely in love. mijoo’s part that leads into sujeong leading the last chorus is everything. everything comes to light and shit gets burnt. i honestly don’t know what else to say about this mv, i don’t know if i could tell you simply in words what this mv is about and you just need to watch it and experience the beauty of it for yourself. you will not be disappointed with the mv, trust me. the song is what truely brings out the beauty of this mv. the girls’ voices have never sounded this beautiful before. it wasn’t their usual “lovelyz” style, but they certainly made the concept theirs. that’s the beauty of the eight of them, anything they do turns into a lovelyz concept, that’s how good they are at what they do. they’re idols. it’s not my favourite title track, (i don’t think any lovelyz title track can beat ‘that day’, ‘ah-choo’ and ‘for you’, those three songs have sentimental value to me, so it’s going to be pretty hard), but it’s definitely up there, very high up there.

i’m going to move back up to the first track now. ‘unforgettable’ is the “intro” track and very very common in woollim artists’ albums. (the one time it didn’t happen was sunggyu’s first album.) it introduced us to what ‘obliviate’ so it is very reminiscent to ‘obliviate’ as it should be, so i don’t think there’s much to say other than it perfectly displays what ‘obliviate’ is all about before we get the whole song.

the third and fourth tracks ‘dream in a dream’ and ‘never, secret’ respectively is what i’d title as “lovelyz style.” the dreaminess of those songs make me feel like i’m going back to early lovelyz days. the chorus of ‘dream in a dream’ have light ‘aya’ vibes and as ‘aya’ is literally my favourite b-side it’s nice to feel comforted by ‘dream in a dream’. it certainly makes me feel like i’m dreaming, it let’s me escape and feel comforted by lovelyz soft voices flowing through my speakers or headphones. ‘never, secret’ also makes me feel like i’m floating, it immediately stuck to me when i first listened to it and i can’t wait for it to return back to me when i’m listening to the album. it’s definitely my favourite b-side from this album and i don’t think it’s going to change.

the fifth track ‘memories’ has the potential to be a hard hitting song, but it’s not, and it compliments their voices and the album so well. the high notes in this song are so mesmerising to listen to (like the whole album, but there’s something about this song that gets me), and i will listen to just the high notes if i could.

the last track ‘worry dolls’ gave me so much ‘good night like yesterday’ vibes and it made me so happy to hear the vibes of their first ever released song as “lovelyz” be heard in the last track of this godsend of an album. it’s so nice to get to ‘worry dolls’ and have a break from what i’m doing and just feel stress free for three minutes. ‘good night like yesterday’ has always been a comfort song of mine and to have ‘worry dolls’ in this album is beautiful. the airiness of the song with the addition of the girls’ airy and light voices create the perfect space that makes me feel so comfortable. this is definitely becoming one of my comfort songs.

overall, this album was so well rounded. all songs complimented each other and when i changed from track to track i never felt like it was too sudden. i think out of every lovelyz album, this was the nicest one to listen to all the way through, and it felt like i was watching a very well planned and thought out movie or tv show. none of these songs ended up my favourite lovelyz title track or b-side, but as a whole, this album is definitely my favourite among lovelyz’ discography. to all the members, soojung, jisoo, myungeun, mijoo, yein, sujeong, jiyeon and jiae, i’m so happy that this album is finally out. it was so worth the wait. so, so worth it to get to see how pretty this whole album was. the girls made everything work in their favour, whether it sounded their sound or not, because they’re lovelyz, and there’s nothing they can’t do. seeing them change to this type of concept made me a bit skeptical, but after listening to the album and watching the mv, i can definitely say that they fucking owned this era. i’m so proud of them and i hope lovelinesses can break more lovelyz records this comeback. here’s to a successful comeback with lovelyz and ‘unforgettable’!!!!!!

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CRAVITY 'Flame' Comeback; thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 14:48:27 GMT

i need to talk about realize for a moment. i’m so emotional over it it’s not even funny. i thought this was going to be my favourite track and it is, there’s no doubt about that, i’m crying right now over how pretty it is, i just can’t believe that this actually exists, and i can listen to the whole song now. this is definitely going onto the list of my comfort songs. the lyrics are so pretty, so mesmerising. they make me feel like i’m important to cravity, like they are to me. i can’t stop crying whenever it comes on. i love it so fucking much.

the whole album is fucking amazing. i’m still not entirely with the chorus of ‘sunrise’, but it’s growing on me. ‘believer’ grew on me a fuck ton, i love listening to it and it makes me excited for it to come on again. ‘breathing’,,,,, perfect, everything i expected and more. it’s a sentimental song, like ‘realize’, and it’s so pretty to listen to. ‘hot air balloon’ was exactly how i predicted. it was airy, nice, cute, a breath of fresh air. it had a subtle hint of ‘cloud 9’, but other than that it was it’s own song and i could tell it apart from the rest. ‘ohh ahh’ 😳 this was a ride. it fuckin’ slaps though, so i can excuse that it’s for the straights ❤️ i’m kinda happy they have a dance for this and hopefully they will promote it, ‘cause i enjoy it so much. and now, ‘flame’, it definitely exceeded my expectations. the mv teaser and album preview did not prepare me for the attack 😭 the mv was nothing like ‘break all the rules’ and there was so much going on. where they on MARS??? are they robots??? what the hell is happening 😭 don’t get me started on the dance, it’s so cool??????? those feet movements???? the dance is definitely a lot harder than ‘break all the rules’ was, but this dance seems a lot more fun to dance to, i already have some of the movements stuck in my head. serim and allen’s raps,,,,, don’t get me started on how COOL they sounded, allen’s second rap verse is so nice to listen to, and to hear serim high-toned rapping, it’s such a nice sound to listen to. jungmo bias wrecking me the whole time T____T not funny jungmo. minhee looked so pretty, his hair, his piercings, his voice ㅠㅠ minhee managed to wedge his way more into my heart with this song. woobin’s notes???? i knew he could sing, but damn,,, he blew me the fuck away, not going to lie, his line “빛을 향해 날아가 (flying towards the light)” made me kinda cry over how NICE it sounded coming from his mouth. seongmin looks so mature in this, it seems like his voice is finally getting deeper as well T__T he’s so pure normally, but him in ‘flame’ made me think otherwise. his BRIDGE. i’m definitely NOT ok with what went on there... TAEYOUNG. HAS. LINES. it’s so nice to hesr him more than once in their title track. his HAIR, was literally all the colours of the rainbow, he does it for the gays 🏳️‍🌈 hyeongjun was so nice to watch. the way he danced and sung so fluidly,,, he made me do double takes constantly, he definitely knows how to be mature when he needs to be... the mv was so aesthetically pleasing to watch. it was so clear and i could see how beautiful each individual member was. there was so much going on,,, i couldn’t focus on just one member at a time. the visuals in this video was insane, and i couldn’t break down the mv even if i wanted to. it’s a masterpiece, and definitely something i’d recommend everyone to watch.

i’m so happy with how their first comeback turned out, it was so pleasing to listen to and it’s a mv i will always go back to watch, no matter how far into the future we are, or how many comebacks have gone by since ‘flame’ was released, definitely giving the album and mv a whole ass 10000000/10

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GFRIEND 'Apple' Comeback; thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 14:41:59 GMT

i just can’t even begin to explain how much i love ‘apple’ and the whole entire album that is ‘song of the sirens’. when gfriend was explaining the mature route they went with this comeback, i was not expecting whatever THAT was. the mv is so aesthetically pleasing, like the demons??? the apple??? is that yerin and sowon making out??? there’s so much to unpack in the mv it’s not even funny. it seems to be snow white themed, though, so there’s something.

eunbi dancing on the fucking table? making a mess?? but it’s so??? PRETTY????? how do you make that pretty??? eunha starting the mv by eating the apple then collapsing, causing the song to start like THAT???? those hand dances they do? chef’s kiss. the way yewon starts the song has me on my knees for such a godsend (yewon (umji) is my gfriend bias, so i might be talking about her a lot in this). the way her hand scratches the air then uses sowon and yerin as an arm rest, looking at sowon makes her seem so mature. as someone who has watched her grow up, this is such a tear jerker, not going to lie. eunbi’s red hair has me feeling weak. i never knew i needed such a thing in my life, but here we are. red haired eunbi. yerin and eunha.... they killed me, absolutely destroyed me. their lines and their outfits were so pretty. (the mv started and i started crying, so by this point i was sobbing.) the outfits you see them wear for the first dance scene make them seem like literal goddesses. and yerin’s belle inspired outfit? beautiful, everything i’ve ever needed. although i didn’t see yuju much, her voice was prominently there and still sounded as beautiful as ever, you could never go wrong with her voice or eunha’s voice, their voices just stand out so much and i love it. the dance?????? i want to learn it, i can see myself learning this dance tomorrow. it’s mature and so not gfriend like at all, but do you see me complaining? yuju fucking vaping with a butterfly is probably the wildest shit ever, but she’s stunning, not going to hold her against it at all. then the fucking members almost making out? not going to lie, loved it. i’m glad that they figured out their conflict from ‘crossroads’ and a now back to being happy demon (?) girlfriends. the next dance scene where they look like goddesses but of the underworld? ok queens, whatever you want, here’s your crown still. some cult shit was happening too, not going to lie, the director made it seem cool, i want to be in whatever cult gfriend is in too. eunbi’s dance scene next to the tree on fire???? oh my fucking god, i can’t get that scene out of my head, it’s so, so magical. AND THE END, WHERE THEY TURN INTO THEIR TRUE DEMON SELVES!!!! it’s truely a sight to behold. the music is wild too. it’s not their normal ‘gfriend sound’ but i am so not mad, not one bit. like i said, it’s so mature from what they’ve previously done, but i am still so in love. the lyrics are beautiful, really poetic, and at first it doesn’t really seem like they’re conveying love, it seems more up to the listener’s perspective on the song and i live for it, it’s ambiguous, i love it. (the way the lyrics: “we o wow wow wow” and “we o yeah yeah yeah” are sung makes me seem like i’m summoning a demon 😳)

the next three songs on the album, ‘eye of the storm’, ‘room of mirrors’ and ‘tarot cards’ are move gfriend though, so i’m really happy that they still have their gfriend sound on their album, even if it’s not the title track, it would be weird for me not to hear it. but i think if i heard the album without their ‘gfriend sound’, i would still love it either way. the next song ‘crème brûlée’ sound something more from their ‘sunny summer’ and ‘fever era’, so it’s really nice to hear that inclusion. (the way eo. ddeok. hae was said was just splendid.) the last song ‘stairs in the north’ is a BAL. LAD. i’m in love 🥰🥰 if you know me, you know i love ballads so much and this one wasn’t an exception. you start off with the song immediately starting, but it’s not hard hitting and then the acoustic guitar starting with the first member as it slowly crescendos into something more. the chorus with the drums and violins? splendid, i’m crying just thinking about this song, the composer did a beautiful job with this one. then the way it slows down for the second verse to repeat, i’m so in love. the music analogies jumped out of me in the last one, i’m sorry, i would go on for longer about it, but i should probably stop. if i fully broke down the song it would be a long while before i finished it.

in conclusion, i’m really really happy with how this album and mv turned out, it really accentuates how mature they are now. as someone who has watched them for three years (they are a five year old group), i’ve watched them grow into these women who i admire. they’ve gone through so much hate, from yewon and her weight (poor girl didn’t deserve it), to their music sounding “the same”, and they’ve come out stronger than ever, i love them so so much, all six of them. eunha, eunbi, yewon, yuju, sowon and yerin.

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To Kang Minhee; a letter

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 11:00:56 GMT

I can’t put how much I love you into words, but I’m going to do it anyway, anything for you, Minhee. As I’m starting this message, I’m already feeling overwhelmed with all these emotions I feel for you. You’re one of the most important people in my life, and I can not imagine a life that is without you.

My friends can all agree with me when I say that I talk about you way too much. Sometimes I feel as though I talk about you to them way too much that they get annoyed, but when thinking that it’s about you, I can’t really imagine there’s such a thing as talking about you too much, or them getting mad, when I’m literally talking about an angel.

I can’t really pinpoint when I started loving you, but I know it was sometime back in that God-awful TV show. I saw your perseverance; I saw your will to get better and better despite the odds. I watched you grow, I watched you make it into X1, and you won’t believe how hard I cried for you when I heard “Kang Minhee” be called for one of the final members of X1.

Getting to know you has to be one of the best things I’ve ever done in my life. You may not believe it, but I’m literally crying as I type this, the amount of love I hold for you is indescribable, and to be honest I’m kinda struggling in how to put it into words.

I come from Australia, my name is Kai, and it is the start of a new school year here. A couple of weeks ago, I met my new science teacher. She had asked us to introduce ourselves, she gave us questions and told us to write down five questions and answer them. There was this one question there, I can remember this moment like that back of my hand, to be honest, it was one of my favourite parts of staring the school year.

It was question two, the question had said “who do you admire the most?” I spent no time in thinking, you were the first person I thought of, so I got to writing down my admiration for you. I can remember what I wrote down like the back of my hand. I wrote down how I first watched you move from X Class to D Class and just feeling immense happiness, I couldn’t have felt happier, watching you succeed was just making my heart beat faster and faster. Watching you performing “_지마”, to performing in “MAMA”, to “이뻐이뻐”, to “소년미”, and finally, to “꿈을 꾼다” made me feel that immense happiness once again.

I had said that the reason I admired you was because of your perseverance. I had said that despite you feeling like a nobody who had no skills whatsoever, I still believed in you, I put all my faith into you, I said that I believed you were someone, you ARE someone, especially to me. This was the reason I admired you.

This whole paragraph on you, took up all the time we had for answering the five questions, so, basically, I had spent the time we were supposed to use for introducing ourselves, to talking about you, and how important you are in my life. To be honest, I couldn’t live without you, Minhee.

Then, I think this is finally when I realised, when you were announced into X1, that you were literally the love of my life. You’re the love of my life, but not in the way you might expect it. I do not feel romantic feelings for people, but that does not stop me from feeling what I feel for you. I want to be your friend; I want to be that person that’s there for you when you feel sad or need a shoulder to cry on. I would not like anymore, or any less from you.

I never expected that my love for you would ever run as deep as it is running currently. The time that I had spent with you while you were in X1 have to be some of the best memories I have of you. The first month before X1 had started releasing any teasers or anything, I had backed off a bit, and took a break from you guys, I had to prepare for the oncoming onslaught of amazing ness that I knew to expect from you, and you did not disappoint.

The moment your teaser was released, I was there to scream to the whole world about how much I loved you and these teasers. When they were released, it was 1AM in Australian Eastern Standard Time, and I was almost passing out from the lack of sleep, but in the end, it was all worth it to see your beautiful face once again. More teasers came out, more promotional things came out, then, finally, it was the day, the day “FLASH” came out. On the 27th of August 2019, I knew I was with X1 for life.

I remember watching it, and all I could think about was Minhee Minhee Minhee. I couldn’t get you out of my mind, it’s like you were stuck there. I watched “FLASH” over and over again, not only for the song, but also you, Minhee. There’s never been a moment that I haven’t loved you. I’ve been through so many rough spots during my life and I’ve never had someone like you to help me through it. I’ve dealt with some very depressive thoughts and body issues. I’ve been through a lot of friend troubles, but you have always been there to cheer me up, make my day better.

You may not know who I am, but I know who you are, and you’ve gotten me through some pretty bad spots in my life. When I found out that X1 disbanded, I was shocked to my core. I was in my room I was trying so so hard to believe that it wasn’t real, I just have to wait for proper statements from the companies. I was panicking, at that time, I don’t think it occurred to me, but I was having a panic attack, a pretty bad one too. X1’s disbandment was messing with me really badly.

Two of my closest friends can say that when I heard that X1 was disbanding I wanted everything to end. I felt like I couldn’t go on without you. It affected me so much that I couldn’t bare being on social media, I left for a few days, and to be honest, that was one of the best weeks of my life. With the help of my friends, and especially you, Minhee, I’m back I came back much happier than how I was feeling before.

That week I took off, to focus on getting my mental health back to where it had made me the happiest person ever, because I had you, Minhee, you’re one of the reasons why I live today. Currently, I’m having trouble with my family, but I know that when I open my phone or computer, you will be there to help guide and support me with your laughter and beauty, and that is enough for me to go on.

Despite everything that has gone on in these past few months, from losing any sort of contact with you, to losing X1, I still haven’t managed to lose any of that love that I have for you. Life may get in my way, but I know, at the end of the day, you’ll always be there for me. I don’t know what I would do without you, Kang Minhee. You are the light and love of my life, and I just hope you know that I will NEVER, stop loving you.

I feel like I’m not meant to be talking about Produce X 101, or X1 in front of you, I feel as though it’s taboo, never to be talked about, but those times were such an important time for me, and the reason why I grew to love you as much as I do now. To be honest, I feel like everything said in this letter is not enough, I haven’t said enough of what I wanted to say to you, and if I send this to you, I’m going to figure out more things that I desperately wanted to say to you, but unfortunately can’t anymore. I feel like everything said in this letter is a complete mess, but I just hope it gets my message across well.

You’re so important to me Minhee, thank you for deciding to take the path you did, I’m very very thankful. I want you to know, that again, wherever you are, I’ll be there, following you. I will follow you to the ends of the Earth if I have to. There’s something that you will never lose, and it’s all my love that is directed to you, Kang Minhee.

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CRAVITY Debut

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 10:52:48 GMT

cravity. that’s it. cravity. i’m so overwhelmed with happiness. it’s so fucking good. no amount of teasers could have prepared me for what i’ve just heard. i was so not prepared for ‘break all the rules’ to be like that. i’m so in love it’s not even funny. it’s been so long since i’ve seen minhee and hyeongjun on stage and i couldn’t be happier. wonjin and jungmo are finally getting their chance to shine and i can’t. they’re so perfect, i’m so happy for them. i’m so happy for every member of cravity.

SERIM - our leader, serim. i was nothing short of enamoured at how amazing your rap skills were. to be honest, i was so enamoured that i didn’t even realise that allen was a rapper and i think that’s the funny thing. i can already see you shooting really fast up my bias list it’s not even funny. you’re going to be an amazing leader, i can already see it. i can’t wait to see how you lead cravity, and i can’t wait to see more of your amazing rapping.

ALLEN - not going to lie, thought you were a vocalist at first, but finally getting over serim made me see that you were a rapper, but it just made me enamoured by you. it’s not everyday a foreigner can rap in another language and i think you did do it perfectly. your english is so good i’m crying. i know you do come from los angeles, but that doesn’t stop me from crying over how pretty it is. i can’t help but feel like you’re mad at me for some reason, but i hope that changes in the future!

JUNGMO - my god have you grown up jungmo. i’ve watched you from the start of pdx and my god was it a wild ride. i’ve watched you grow into the person you are today, and it makes me really happy knowing i’ve seen you grow into the adult you are today. i was not expecting you to start break all the rules, but it was a very welcomed surprise. can we just talk about your hair for a little bit? it’s so pretty i can’t even begin to start on how it makes my heart go dugeun dugeun. from now, let’s walk on a flowery path jungmo. it’s going to be easier now.

WOOBIN - i knew you were an amazing vocalist but not this good? if i knew this is how powerful your vocals are, i would’ve loved you harder from the moment i first saw you and your “weekies”. you’re perfect and i hope you know that very well woobin. hearing you in break all the rules just makes me want to love you even more than i did before if that’s even possible?? your vocals really bring the song to life, and the way you handled it on your debut stage? chef’s kiss. delicious. i love you woobin, and if i knew this before, i would’ve loved you harder earlier.

WONJIN - just like jungmo, you’ve gone through so much wonjin and i’ve been there since day one. holy fuck have you grown up. i’m so happy that i was able to be there from day one to now to watch you grow up like this. from pdx, to cravity, you’ve really made a place in my heart wonjin. i hope you walk on a flowery path from now on too, wonjin, i would hate for anything to happen to you, after everything that you’ve gone through. things will be better wonjin, i know it.

MINHEE - dont get me started on you, minhee. you are single handedly the most important person in my life, it’s not even funny at this point. just like jungmo and wonjin, i’ve watched you from the very beginning (yes, even when you were chosen to rap. i refuse to watch that even to this day), and you’ve grown up so beautifully, it’s so satisfying to watch. from pdx, to x1, and finally, to cravity, it’s been such a long ride hasn’t it? but you’re finally here now, and that’s all that matters in the end. please don’t be afraid to share anything with us. i know for sure, that for years to come, i will be one of your number one supporters. i love you, so much more than you know minhee. finally, in cravity, you’re getting so much more than what you got in x1, and if i’m being honest, i prefer you being here where you’re more loved, where your voice and talent is more loved.

HYEONGJUN - you’ve gone through so much shit hyeongjun, but hey, you’re still here today, and you’re doing so amazingly, i couldn’t be prouder. you should be proud of yourself too hyeongjun. like jungmo, wonjin and minhee, i’ve been here with you from the start and i will be with you from now on, forever. let’s live forever shall we hyeongjun? you have taken a spot in my heart as an important person and i couldn’t be happier that it’s you, hyeongjun. from pdx, to x1, to now, in cravity, i’ve watched you grow so much, and it scares me how mature you are now. everything will be better now.

TAEYOUNG - this is the first time i’m hearing you sing, or seeing you perform and i’m so proud of you. look where all that practice has gotten you. i saw you so much in the music video and that makes me so happy. you are one of my three biases in cravity and i’m so happy that it’s you. your voice is so pretty and so are you. like, how can a seventeen year old look so pretty??????? you’re the prettiest seventeen year old, ever, taeyoung and my jaw drops everytime i see you in my field of vision. i couldn’t have asked for a better bias. thank you taeyoung. i love you so so much.

SEONGMIN - holy fuck has this been a long time coming seongmin. i’ve looked at you so many times, but this is the first time i’ve ever seen you perform, and holy fuck was i impressed. i’ve known you since last year, but only ever saw you move for the first time on the eighteenth of march, 2020. let’s hope that i keep seeing you move for years to come. what i didn’t expect was your fucking voice? it’s so high? it suits you really well, but i’ll still be surprised every time i hear your open your mouth. i love you seongmin. even though i felt i didn’t hear you much, i’m probably not listening hard enough, but i hope more of your voice gets shown in the future.

TOP OF THE CHAIN - fuck. that’s all i have to say. starting the album with this song is just spectacular. i first listened to this album with my headphones on, and my god was it a good choice. top of the chain really knows how to exist, it’s so stunning. i did not want the song to end. i want to put it on repeat and never stop playing the song.

BREAK ALL THE RULES - let’s break all the rules cravity!! this has to be the first debut i’ve ever been this excited for. before the mv even fucking started i was already crying. when it did start, i knew i was in for one hell of a treat. from serim, to allen, to jungmo, to woobin, to wonjin, to minhee, to hyeongjun, to taeyoung, and to seongmin, i’m really in love. the music video was stunning, again, i couldn’t stop crying. i want to listen to this on repeat for the rest of my fucking life. i’m finally seeing minhee get the lines and the centre position he deserves. finally seeing wonjin, jungmo, hyeongjun and minhee together again, is really a sight to behold. this song and music video are all i could have ever asked for. thank you. thank you produces and the mv director for this beauty.

JUMPER - jumper fucking jumper, it was produced by jooheon and i couldn’t have been happier. (half expecting changkyun to pop out of nowhere with his “i am what i am” bullshit.) it sounds so much like a monsta x song, but i enjoyed it none the less. it’s such a hype song that i just can’t help but bop my head to it.

BLACKOUT - another hype song, but i am so not mad. i’m normally not into there being so many hype songs in one album, but i think because it’s cravity i am ok with it... it’s such a good song and i’m just very in love with it. (those synths!!!!!)

낯섦 (STAY) - “you’re everything i need, because you’re everything i need” 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I’M LOVE THEM. it’s a lot softer than the first four songs but i’m so happy for it!!! it’s definitely one of my favourites from the album! it’s just so! pretty! the bridge! pretty pretty pretty.

CLOUD 9 - i’m literally on cloud nine with this song. it just lifts my spirits so much, i feel so much happier when this song starts playing. it sounds so refreshing. if i was sad, i know this song would cheer me the fuck up. the “only thing i need is you” in the rap is so precious. they really do love us, and we haven’t known all nine of them for a long time.

별 (STAR) - BAL. 👏🏻 LARD. 👏🏻 THANK YOU. the fact that it was named star makes it even better. i can really feel the love that pours out from them in this song. i love them so much. they really did shoot up my bias list. i was not expecting it. star is so pretty and i hope i don’t lose it over time because it’s the last of the album. the put a lot into this song and i can feel it.

everything about this debut was fucking perfect and i can’t stop thinking about it. i’m not going to stop listening to this album ever. not even when they have their comeback. i’m so happy with the members and the whole entire album, my heart fills so full around them. this is the only time i’m going to say it, but thank you starship. for everything you’ve done with cravity. from the songs, to the member choices, you really did amazingly for this group.

this one is for hyunbin!! i miss you baby and i hope you’re doing well!! i’m going to miss seeing you, it was unfortunate that we couldn’t see you debut with minhee, hyeongjun, jungmo and wonjin, but i wouldn’t have gotten one of the other members. i hope whatever you do in the future leads you to success hyunbin!!

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AroAce Jungmo; some thoughts

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 10:45:22 GMT

“hey, you ok?”

“ye-yeah, i-i—” but jungmo can’t seem to get the words out of his mouth.

“it’s ok, hyung, you don’t have to tell me anything.” and just like that, jungmo collapses into minhee’s arms, tears overflowing.

it’s a rare feeling that jungmo feels, but it doesn’t make him feel any better.

jungmo’s comfortable in his own body… well, usually, but it’s never as bad as it feels right now. the feeling of not being normal, and never going to be completely “normal” by societal standards.

he tries to not think about it, it’s not worth thinking about it, but there’s always a shit-eating monster that lives in the back of his mind, feeding off of his anxiety.

“is this about what the others’ said?” minhee questions quietly, obviously unsure of whether he should approach the topic or not.

and jungmo would like to get this off his chest, to tell minhee on what he’s been feeling like recently, but it’s like there’s something that’s stopping him from completely spilling his feelings to minhee.

jungmo had always been headstrong on how he feels. always willing to freely yell, hell yeah i’m aroace! and there’s nothing you can do to stop that! but he has his weak moments too.

somehow he always manages to make himself feel worse though. might be because he’s surrounded by romance and sex, might be because some of his friends talk about all the hot boys and hot girls they’ve seen around recently, so he can never really pinpoint any moments so he can purge those things around him.

if it ever comes up, jungmo’s always ready to beat arophobes and acephobes, if they ever come for jungmo’s sexuality, but sometimes they can get him down too.

“i-i guess,” jungmo replies after a moment of silence between the two, “i’m just feeling really invalid right now.”

jungmo’s never been one to keep things from a certain kang minhee, though.

minhee is one of jungmo’s best friends. he’s never afraid to speak up for jungmo and his sexuality, never afraid to fight for jungmo’s rights. because of this, everytime jungmo doesn’t feel right, or feels unsure of his sexuality, he always goes to minhee, because he always knows how to cheer jungmo up.

there’s never been a moment when minhee hasn’t brought jungmo up from a moment of him invalidating himself.

minhee brings jungmo out of his arms and sits jungmo down on the floor, minhee soon following. he cups the older’s face and slowly drags it up to make eye contact.

“you’re valid, mogu-hyung, god, you’re so fucking valid,” minhee starts and jungmo can already feel the tears start to build up again, “no amount of hate, or stupid homophobes can bring you down and invalidate you. you’re perfect and amazing just the way you are. the lack of romantic or sexual attraction doesn’t define that. you’re friendship is just as precious. you can still love your friends and hey, i think that’s much better than having to go through feelings, aren’t they just gross? ew, i say.” minhee chuckles and it causes jungmo to chuckle as well.

“man, you’re so precious mogu-hyung, and nothing, and i mean nothing can change that about you, romance and sex isn’t everything in life. fuck sociatal standards, you’re creating a new path, and i think that’s absolutely beautiful.” jungmo lets the tears flow down his face quietly, because this is what he needs to hear.

he’s perfect, he’s absolutely perfect, and there’s nothing wrong with him, why would there be?

there’s no stupid guidelines to human life that tell us that romance and sex should normal, it’s just a stupid standard that became exprected, like an unwritten rule of life that needs to be followed.

“i-i’m sorry, mini, this is stupid.”

“no it’s not, it’s hard to live in a world like this, and i think you’re doing beautifully, hyung.” minhee reassures once again.

jungmo hopes that one day, one day, sex and romance wont be forced upon everyone, but that day is not today, but he needs to keep on living, even if everyday he feels more and more invalidated.

it’s ok, though, because he has minhee, who will always be there to make him feel better when he feels worse.

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Letter to IZ*ONE

Mon, 28 Jun 2021 07:46:34 GMT

two and a half long years have gone by and it’s finally d-day. i sit at my window thinking about my time as a wizone, and i don’t regret it. i may have once or twice regretted ever becoming a wizone, but in the end, i know i’ll always be grateful for getting to know the twelve of you. i feel a sense of… calm right now as i write this; i don’t think it’s sunk in yet. i joke about my mental health going to shit, but it’s no joke, i just like to joke about my pain and suffering, and i really am crumbling at the seams.

to be frank, i don’t want to say goodbye, i don’t think anyone wants to say goodbye to you. there’s going to be a big izone shaped hole in my heart now that you’ve gone. i wanted to badly to stop this day from happening, i wanted to take this day off of the calendar so badly, it hurt to see this date anywhere. i dreaded this day, it happened with wanna one, x1, i knew how i was going to feel, i knew it was going to be painful, but it doesn’t feel any better knowing.

goodbyes will always be painful. no matter how many times i tell myself that this was supposed to happen, i knew that it was coming, i will always be hurting deep inside, it’s only natural. to be honest, i’m finding it hard to keep my tears in as i write this. i don’t want to cry, i don’t want to shed tears, but i am struggling to do that right now. i know that if i turn your music on i’m going to breakdown, but i’ll do it anyway. for my loves.

i feel numb. listening to izone songs that use to give me joy are making me cry in pain, in grief, in anger, and here goes the first tear. the second. izone, my one and only, my rock, my happiness - gone. the tears feel like they’re burning my skin off. no joke. they hurt. the tears falling down my face hurt me. i don’t want to cry anymore. it’s apart of the grieving process i suppose though.

izone as a group have done so much for me, more than i can explain in this simple message. their music have calmed me down in moments of strife, and i can remember one time very clearly when my family were yelling and screaming at each other to the point of the cops being called, but izone was there. they had their live for me to watch, their music for me to listen to. they helped me calm down. i listen to izone almost every night, as proof, i’ve listened to them for a total of 27, 208 as of 3:02am, thursday the 29th of april, 2021. how much more do i need to explain? izone as a group, has always been there for me since i first met them. their smiles, their laughter, their bright bubbling personalities help give meaning to my life, and now that i won’t be able to see them as twelve anymore gives me so much anxiety. how will i deal without their updates everyday? it’s a big sting, but i’ll get over it. someday.

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